Existence, in general

You carry the coins

2007-11-09T13:37:00.000-07:00

They are floating about in mid air
And some even float up to the sky
We breathe them in and yet noting happens
Until Jane falls dead and they sprout in her ear
They take over her hands and lift them of their own free will
Jane was fast asleep when I left her
Now she is awake and exploding
Spreading her soul to the heavens and the earth
They steal my bread and steal my socks and shoes
I should wear a mask for sure
My body will soon die
At the foot of my bed
With a bottle of wine stuck to my hand
I’m never getting up from here
I’m never getting up from here
I listen to the treetops shake
Cold and afraid
One day they will all come crashing down
On my two story apartment
Dear god, beat them to the punch
Beat me into lunch
And let me survive another day here
With at least a single thought in my head
“Bend right over and shake” say the squirrels to the bush
They are just outside my windows
As the water slowly rises to drown us all
And together
Together we sleep
Good night will come, as it always does

No more

2007-10-23T12:29:00.000-07:00

"Good night to the world" says the sorry blog as it fades into the stars......

cough sputter and shake, goes the way of your life

2007-06-07T20:22:00.000-07:00

If only love was real
I would have the mind to steal it from your hands
And whisk it away into the night
With a laugh and a gesture
I would walk along the railroad tracks
Remembering the day when
You came along
When my world flipped upside
Down
And afternoons become midnights
The streetlights hang
Lucid and dreary in the damp night air
In the middle of nowhere
The slightest hint
And kiss of the wind
Lifts you off your feet
And kisses your neck
Waiting for, wanting to, and living just to feel
The touch of a hand
And the meeting of fingernails
Digging to the spine

And tonight
When the stars don’t seem so far away
Coming closer
Creeping
To death
You remember your place
Infinity, against the time you take up
a blip

In the length of it all

Maybe you are just too tired
Or maybe the fear takes over
Kneeling down, your shoes bend with the weight
And the sky above your head opens up
And reaches out its soft, fuzzy fingers
To take you home
To take you where we sleep
When we retire to our dreams
When the casket closes
And you open your eyes.

Quote me

2007-05-25T13:40:00.000-07:00

"You mostly look up to single people,
yet you mostly envy couples."

"When you're God, everybody looks familiar"

Hitler, (By the way, I had deja vu while editing this)

2007-04-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

this is how it all ends
when the butterfly bandages let loose
and slip away
each moment in your memory
is fading
your childhood disappears
computers are running our senate
reading your mind
as the ice cream truck drives by

the distraction takes you away
but the television brings you back
the fathers of this country
would turn in their graves
cry in their palms
if they knew what we have done

profit this
and mayhem that
implant a government issued speaker
hardwired
in your living room
in your kitchen
we wake up all your children
we goodnight all your grandparents
and kiss your wife

the newspaper tells you not to worry
your stocks are looking good
the children are in proper care
when they wheel you away to the funny farm
and the ice cream truck again

here you are
here we all are under
we breathe
hello, Mr. President
goodnight to your country

Nuts, now that's nuts!

2007-04-18T21:21:00.000-07:00

this is what the world is coming to
we are all insane
and our neighbors are being slaughtered
and raped

i sit alone and drink
music softens life's cruel grip on my soul
and i am safe

while your babysitter is molesting your children

you interact with these people very day
these are the people who you stand behind in line
at the grocery store
these are the people eating next to you at restaurants
these are the people smiling as you pass on the streets
these are the people stopping at the red lights
and turning left at the arrow
the people washing their floors and making dinner
they are doing laundry
they are taking out their garbage
you live with these people
they are surrounding you
they have deep dark secrets
they witnessed a murder
they are hiding bones
and flesh
and a new found fetish
in their basements
they are collecting fingernail clippings
they are collecting their hair
they are masturbating while you come home from work
they are thinking about you
watching you from the window, the slightly cracked blinds

these are your friends
these are your coworkers
your pals
and your associates

they are completely crazy

are you scared?
i am.

Life completely and utterly blows.

2007-04-15T12:11:00.000-07:00

here i am, sitting
and the world is spinning around my ankles
tears well up in my eyes
i drift off and away

he takes my hand and leads
this tidal wave nightmare is over
my hurricane heart can fade out

dear guardian angel,
take your steps slow and sure
get to me
no matter what may become of you
get to me and take me away
we can cross this scenery like its a frozen clock
a stopped watch
a monochromatic painting
a pixelated nightmare

my poor eyes
and my poor emotions
creeping away
and leaving not a print
we slide under banisters
through walls and halls
this dream is over

take a deep breath
remember and appreciate.

Subatomic

2007-04-02T17:52:00.000-07:00

while the world sleeps
he is out crawling
on your front lawn
and all the subatomic forces
hold the blades of grass together
this is not gravity
and he slips away
here we are, always relative, always moving

the glass in your windowpane
slips and sags to the floor
looking out you see a figure
warped by the spectrum
and in your head you know
light has mass

i tilt my head back to see you
from the window and I'm scared
nothing is the same anymore
and i miss the feeling of your hand on my head
but you push me down
and i cannot breathe

the creature creeps
while the world you live in sleeps
acting like it's paranoid

Schizophrenia

2007-03-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

i am waiting here
and the world is spinning inside my head
like bubbles
my angel is a child trying its hardest to pop it
floating all along
and out my mouth
i spill my words like school glue
and paste my thoughts together
in incoherent sentences
just for you to figure me out
and place your meanings
it's called art
and its called self expression

this is truth, this is honesty
people tell me i talk too much
people say i speak of nothing
opening my mouth without any thought
and if it is not something nice to say
i shouldn't speak at all
they say listen to your mother
listen to your teachings
my grandfather was schizophrenic
delusions of grandeur and all
when i turned seventeen
my mother (the alcoholic) thought i was headed in his direction
now,
i really think i am

who deems sanity anyway?
what does?
some shrink hating his job
stuck in a cube all day
with magazines in the office depicting
skydiving
and scuba diving
and high diving
and all other kinds of diving

I think too much
too many words and worlds
float about my head
like galaxies stuck inside
the sky
i am laying down
and looking up
my words happen just like sight
choosing which star to focus my attention
choosing what planet to speak of
putting words in my mouth
who are you today Allister?
what will you become?
are you happy Allister?

tell me about yourself
let me hear what you think
when you are sitting
with your game face
and trying your hardest not to spill your guts
trying your hardest not to tell him the truth

the shrink hates his job
it's fucking work
he hates his fucking work
i should be asking him about his life
because i know the truth

we are governed by our reactions
and thats it
you make yourself crazy
you make yourself a killer
a child molester
a cannibal
a rapist
depending on how you react
to your external stimuli
and yes, asshole, sometimes it gets hard
but alcohol helps

Sacrafice and thoughts for thinkers.

2007-03-28T18:31:00.000-07:00

here i am
on the altar, uninspired breathing
reading from the past
words of priests and saviors
fill my mouth and spill my lips
we all grovel at their feet
and dust away the stones
spread me out
i am done

why today do we see human life the way we do,
when years ago killing had a purpose and a structure?
killing was just an entrance
and you know what?
it just shows us that we really aren't christian at all
we really don't believe in an afterlife
why does it matter if somebody takes your flesh
why does it matter if somebody kills your child
your wife
we all end up in the same place anyway
right?

no, i don't believe it, you do.

you believe that you go somewhere special
are you scared that you may not go the the right place
down instead of up?
are you scared that you may not have loved enough?
have you not been happy?
have you taken more than you have ever given?
what is all this shit?
why shouldn't i be able to kill you?

it is because our lives are no longer governed
by consciousness and morals
they are planned and plotted by the laws
and regulations that you abide by.

if our lives were as they should, then killing for a purpose would be completely reasonable.
dieing for a reason would be completely reasonable
if we believed as we used to, then life would be our gateway

we are a society of nihilists and atheists, no matter what they say
and i am one of them.

although.....my spell check tells me to capitalize "christian".

The bar scene.

2007-03-23T21:56:00.000-07:00

This is it,
where it all begins
where it all started
sitting at a corner bar
alone and at random
this music is nothing
notes and screaming
bad voices
bad poetry written on the backs of dollar bills
and twenty dollar hookers

i end it all and open the door
she is looking more and more
in my direction
and i choke down another drink
i stumble to the sink
and bleed out my past
i swear baby, it will never last
and here, writing
i fall into a trance
begin to spin my pen
as i run out of thought and pleasure.

Conversations with myself.

2007-03-16T15:11:00.000-07:00

"This is all some sort of scam. It has to be. Some sort of scam."

"If it is, then who is running it?"

"I don't know, maybe some sort of underground uber-intelligent-super-race. You know like smart people, living underground and controlling us."

"But why would they do that? What would this uber super race need with us? We are all just ignorant idiots, what good is it to have us around, consuming, destroying and polluting their world."

"Well, maybe they can't alter this dimension. Maybe they need us to alter our surroundings so that finally, one day we will have figured out how to reach their dimension and help them cross."

"If they are so smart, then why cant they figure out how to cross dimensions and we can?"

"Well, they DO know how, but you need a person(being) in both dimensions to make dimension skipping work."

"So, this uber race is stuck in another dimension and they need us to free them?"

"Not really."

"Then what are we here for?"

"To help them cross dimensions. Not to set them free, but to help them cross."

"Huh?"

"You see, our meaning of life is to help the super uber race. And their meaning of life is to cross dimensions. They need to cross, not just to get to the other side, but to give us a purpose in life. They need to cross, not just to find another dimension, but to cross for the sake of crossing."

"So, let me get this straight? The chicken crossed the road, not to get to the other side, but it was his purpose in life to cross the road?"

"Not really."

"Then what?"

"It was our purpose in life to construct the road for the chicken to cross. The chicken crossing is just a result of our road building. Meaning that we needed to build the road in order to ask the question "why did the chicken cross the road?". The chicken simply crosses the road because his purpose in life is to be a chicken under the influence of humans. Although, this statement does not apply to all chickens throughout time, only this particular chicken.
Chickens are simple creatures and that was a bad analogy to begin with."

"So, then what should i do with my life? Try to cross dimensions so i can hopefully help the super race in their purpose."

"No."

"So, then should i just live my life to the fullest, considering i will never change anything?"

"No."

"So, then should i try to follow the uber race's influence and just go with the flow of a modern day ignorant human destroying, polluting, ruining and eating McDonald's?"

"No."

"So, then what should i do?"

"Build a road."

"For what?"

"For the chicken to cross."

Hello world; here's a shitty picture.

2007-03-15T11:37:00.000-07:00

The meaning of life.... X/O

2007-03-14T22:01:00.000-07:00

The city is in black and white
and your doctor told you to go home
you hypochondriac
you liver of life

each day that passes
is just another reason to question yourself
and why you are alive
what is the meaning of life?

she tells me to be alive
he says to change the world
and my humble beginnings tell me to reproduce
it makes sense
doesn't it?

every species alive and even dead
has not lived to change the world
has not lived to fall in love
has not had any choice other than to live
why must we think that we are better?

We are all alive just because we are.........
creating more life is just what happens when creatures are allowed to live
and i'm sorry, but it's the truth

but the meaning of life is just that simple

Sure, i want to create
sure, i want to travel
sure, i want to experience life to it's fullest
sure, i want to change the world
sure, i would love to make a difference

Really
when it all comes down to it
when it really gets to the bone
and the hot dog that you were chasing
is taken out from in front of your face
you are alone
with nothing to show for it.

The loom of mind.

2007-02-26T16:02:00.000-07:00

Time is nothing but fiber
it is nothing but a cluster fuck of potentiality
possible outcomes shaved off the backs of sheep
maybes, could be's and can be's crunched up and ground down
to a thick cottage cheese soup of colors and dyes

anything that could happen and will happen
is bleached out and cotton ginned
it is deseeded and cleaned
with a mixture of probably and should be
the raw material of time is possibility
your brain the loom
weaving, twisting and sewing
intertwining
taking possibility
and creating experience
every moment that passes
is just woven from a shit-soup of anything

The clammer quantum physics mixed with a hint of Allister.

2007-02-16T21:57:00.000-07:00

Controlling your life
is simple
the placebo effect

Why doesn't everybody believe in this?
Why do doctors even use placebos?

If you didn't really have he ability to control your own universe, then why is there a such thing as placebos? And cancer clinics for that matter. I don't know if you know this but i am happy.

I am truly, honestly happy
and i have enjoyed where my life has taken me so far
I have enjoyed every step of the way
and i have lived every experience to its fullest ((in my mind) everybody has their own ideas of "fullest")

There have been lows
and there have been highs

I have not failed to experience anything
and i have not turned on the "autopilot"

So why is it so hard for people to believe that they can control, if not maneuver their own reality. Their own universe.
Besides, don't we all live in separate universes anyway?
Meaning: I see things differently than you
I see things differently than anybody
I perceive reality to be what i can see, through my eyes and what i can sense in all my other connections to this world. I have created a road map of my universe and what i think that it looks like, what i think of the ways i see things. We all are our own cartographers. We all are our own philosophers. We all are our own scientists and theologists.

I am no more right than you.

Or...... Am i?

The placebo effect at work.

I have taken a pill. This pill will ultimately lead to happiness. This pill will open up my eyes to a lot of new circumstances. I must take these circumstances and experiences as they come and always learn from them. Knowing full well that the addition and the multiplication of these happenings will eventually one day lead to my ultimate happiness. And if i may find happiness in the search, and if i may find happiness in the struggle and experience. And if i may find happiness in the worst of times. If i can remain high spirited throughout my life as it wanders and meanders through time, then the placebo will kick in. And i will be free.

Whats your frequency?

2007-02-10T08:59:00.000-07:00

Kennith is laying next to me and
his lips are moving
about the government situation
his jaw is flapping and I hear nothing
he is taking apart the English language
and pasting it together again
he is a montage of video clips
from world war three
or four
"What war?"

I say with a twist
with just enough wit
"War is all in your head
and here laying
Kennith you're dead.
Hows that for a god damn rhyme?
a god damn mind fucking rhyme, Kennith!"

"My heads on fire and it hurts when I piss, Kennith
call a doctor and tell him to get a clue
when he's tapping your knee and the priest is inside you"
it's belief in miracles
that gives America its trust
that gives America it oil, wealth and comfort
Go colts!

"And I'm excited Kennith,
I know the meaning of life
it is sad and tried and true
Kennith its horrible and I
shouldn't tell you
because when the levee breaks
from over your head
you have nothing left to grab
just your neighbor's old photo albums
just somebody else's belongings
so take your big screen
and take your wife by the hand
kiss her while you can
because I know the meaning of life Kennith
I know

Hows that for a god damn rhyme?
a god damn mind fucking rhyme Kennith!"

Hangovers in a world without inspiration, love, care, responsibility. And really, nobody learns anything.

2007-02-07T08:14:00.001-07:00

What is the use?

This morning started out with potential
But I will do no good
I will not change anything today

It is bad enough for me to think that?
Is the whole world thinking that?
Or, rather do they not think at all
androids
flipping switches and screws
uninspired to change the world
or change anything anymore

the government is tracking your process
and keeping a database
on OSX... of course

The blacksmith is no longer black
and the silver smith isn't much of a smith
the cobbler makes software
to exploit young children
far far away
as long as you're detached

as long as you are not the one dropping the salvages of food
strung by parachutes
down to the starving countries
as long as you don't see the tears of the mothers
breaking down
with no way out

with no razorblades to end it all
without a cliff or a stitch of rope
these are the people
that want to drink your six dollar latte
and see how incredible it tastes when consumed with your four dollar apple scone
frosted with the sweetened mothers milk of a hard working lower class
stable boy
who is honest
who loves his friends
and who shops at wall mart for all his new baby clothes

the world stops
and the string quits the vibration
the easy fabric of black matter unwinds
lets loose its grip
Andromeda turns around and in it goes

Mother Mary
is sitting on a pile of reeds
and you step up for a taste
all she needs is a few drinks and a few hundred dollars
much too fun for just one person
so you step up
and no, not technically
it's not rape
there's consent

Girls gone wild for your briefcase
when tomorrow comes they'll steal your shoes
and take pictures of your favourite celeb

so tomorrow when you wake up
i hope you don't think
and i wish you the worst
there's unlimited possibilities and i hope you chose wrong
because your country has already chosen for you.

Allister Reynoldsism

2007-01-23T20:40:00.000-07:00

Why do people believe in urban myths?
For the same reason they believe in Christianity.
It is something to hold on to.
Something separate, yet close.
Something different , yet ultimately attainable.
If you separate yourself from original experience, then the truth can be stretched.
If you did not see, it does not mean that nothing happened.
Belief leaves too much information in the air.
It leaves too much room for possibility and circumstances.
How long was the fish?
"This long"
How much did that cost?
"This much"

It is a telephone wire world that we live in.

Our parents, our teachers can do amazing things with assembling young minds. They know what switches to pull, buttons to push and holes to mend for us to mature. They know how to create a working member of society. They know what morals to teach, they know what lessons need to be learned, they know how to discipline, medicate, cheat, love, just enough for us to work. Just enough for us to get a job and hopefully create a family of our own. On and on and on.

For humans to advance we need more. We need an all around belief. As good as morals. We need something to hold on to, or at least ultimately know. Most of all we need something to experience. If we do not experience, then we do not know; we may believe, but we do not know. If we do not see your fish we will never know the size. If we did not watch the transaction we will never know the price. If we did not see the miracle we will never know its awe.

As humans, in the realm of spirituality, we are left out in the cold on our asses and told to find our own way.

I know it is near impossible to explain existence.
I know it is nearly impossible to define reality.
Is it not nearly impossible to transplant human hearts?
Is it not nearly impossible to clone a being?

All we need is school.
All we need is students.
All we need is thought.
All we need is practice and something will arise.
Surely, something will arise.

Discovery is what happens when ignorance learns.

Narcissism

2007-01-19T16:23:00.000-07:00

I found interesting information on the Internet
suggesting that we (humans) have been here for longer than once expected.
suggesting that we (humans) were put here by aliens.
suggesting that science as we know it may be just as false as religion

I read that we have successfully tested the use of microchips in rat brains

I saw information on black holes.

I heard about dark matter.

I know about quantum physics.

Yet today, i sold somebody a vacuum
Today, i ate breakfast
Today, i played with my dog in the snow

I am going to gargle saltwater and go to bed (strep throat)

I am listening to Glassjaw and John Hiatt on my media player

I have read your blogs
and i got laid the other night.

I need to change the water in my fish tank

I don't know..... I guess that i am just confused with life right now
the great Allister Reynolds
confused....... to his very fiber..... confused

my thoughts on life are all coming out to be right
What is it like to lose faith?

If you can control your universe then what do you have to be unhappy about?

?Thoughts?

2007-01-08T17:17:00.000-07:00

If sleep is a foundation for life, then what is life the foundation for?

Perspective.
A second is just one human heartbeat.
Shows how perfect science is.

How often do you take the time to appreciate your life?
Stop
Collapse
Reflect

4......3.....2....1...Creation

2006-12-07T08:03:00.000-07:00

Start

triangles and sandstone
a quarter-sized pebble
no wait
silver dollar, black
drifting along crests and valleys
whitecaps and acid rain
this is the ocean
this is time
these are the slow motion vehicles
of glaciers
lifting you up
laying you down on the cold ocean floor
ready for escape at any time
you pause
and stalk your way down the hall
for fear of sounding too profound
I toss in a fact
to throw you off

now a grain of sand
insignificant
and useless
you are a mere vote
in this great democracy
this great desert
when once, long ago
you were special
a pebble laying on a stipple print beach
magnified dots per inch
you were chosen

the hands of a child
first learning to skip stones
wrapped their tiny fingers around your flesh
warming your soul, caressing it's figure
life is starting over
as the molten rivers
connect you to a new future

Political reconstructionism

2006-10-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

I want to change the government.
Every politician is corrupt.

This, of course, is a result of a political conversation. My sister is a democrat. I hear her rambling on and on about "republican" this "bush" that. "Foreign policy", "jobs", "bla bla bla".

We need a radio station
We need a television station
We need pod casts
We need satellite broadcasts
Devoted to politics.
We need to know everything there is to know about our candidates.
We need to know the good and the bad
We need an unbiased research agency to study our candidates and report to us.
We need unfiltered and unadulterated truth.
Every politician is corrupt.

We need the agency to report this, to report the level of corruption.

Our votes and opinions should have no connection to advertising.
Our votes and opinions should have no connection to money, or buyouts.
The government should support itself when it comes to elections.
No candidate should have any more coverage than the next.
The government "for the people, by the people" does not exist. It has evolved, devolved into this corrupt money-laundering monster. A monster that needs to be taught a lesson. We need to stand up against the government that has become this monster. You and I, blue collar and frustrated, need to stand up for what is right. We have been pushed around and bullied far too long.

I am not speaking of a revolution.
I am not speaking of anarchy
(that would be immature and idiotic)
What I am speaking of is............. A new government. Rewriting the constitution.

The United States of America is not the same as it was. We are not the small idealistic nation that we once were. We are not a self sufficient perfect nation.
Our government has become nothing more than a big business. This is true.
We only make decisions for monetary gain. Our elections are based upon money. Our policies are skewed to show more profit. Our actions as a nation are all dictated by money and not society.

I understand that some communism may not be the best.
I understand that some democracies are not the best.
I understand that anarchy is not the best.
But what is so wrong with fixing our government? What is so wrong with changing the system for the benefit of it's people? What is so bad about adapting?
Mostly, what is so wrong with trying?
Why must we stick with this constitution that was written in a different time, culture and state of mind than our own.

Call me an idiot; call me what you will, but I just don't understand.

That brings about a question.....

2006-10-30T16:55:00.001-07:00

What do infants dream?

do they dream of womb and doctor?
do they dream of blood and muffled sound?
do they dream of fluid motion?
do they dream at all?
It has been said that the blind do not dream with images. The blind dream with sound and touch.
I am sure that the same could be said for a person with a lack of feeling; dreaming in sights and sound.
I am sure that the same could be said for one without hearing; dreaming in touch and sight.
I am sure that the same could be said for a person who cannot see color; dreaming in black and white and gray and sound and touch.
I do not taste in my dreams.
I do not dream of scent.
Although I have touch, I do not dream with it.
I perceive colors.
I perceive images.
I perceive sounds.
I want to dream like a newborn.
I want my mind to have nothing but itself.
I would like my imagination without reference.
I would like true reflection.

If a fetus would dream without senses, I would envy that dream.

A secret.

2006-10-29T20:29:00.000-07:00

Don't tell anybody
Don't even look like you know something. People can read you like a book, you know? You are a jabberjaw. You cannot keep a secret. You cannot keep your mouth shut. You are a gossip queen. I can't trust you not to tell.

You walk around with a weight on your shoulders until you tell your secret.
Until you get it off your chest, you look scared.
You look like, at any moment, you could spill your guts. (which are actually my guts that I gave you)

I am starting a religion.

This is crazy..................
..........But, how crazy was Jesus?
how crazy was Buddha?
how crazy was Gandhi?
how crazy was Einstein?
how crazy was Confucius?

I could do it. If you could just follow me.

Why would you follow me????????????>>>>>>>>>>>>>>???????????.............?????????

Because you need it.
You do.

***********************************
DID YOU KNOW THAT ALLIGATORS ONLY LIVE TO ABOUT 50 YEARS OLD AND CROCODILES LIVE TO ABOUT 100?
***********************************

You are lost trying to find yourself. You have given up on religion.
Somehow, you have figured out that the bible does not solve anything, or lead you anywhere.
Sure, it is a good book. Filled with good teachings and stories. You know that life just isn't that simple. You are just too smart for that.
You are intelligent.
You have thought and debated.

That is why I am here.
To show you why.
To step up.

I know that you know, but, does everybody else?
I am willing to devote my life to religion.
I am willing to ba a savior.
I am willing to be a martyr.

Isn't that all you need?
Isn't that all you have been searching for?
Isn't that the reason you haven't already started your own religion?

keep the secret.
don't spill the beans
don't tell your friends
they will think I am crazy

Was Buddha crazy?

Narcissism

2006-10-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

Narcissism.
What is this all about?

These delusions of grandeur.

What is perfection?

Why do I think that I am better than everybody else alive?

I can see that there are differences between everybody.
I can see that no one way of thought is any better than any others.
I can see that there is no possible way for my thought process to be better than anyone; just different.

We are all raised to believe different things.
We are all raised with different ways of thinking about different things.

Basically, we have the same morals.

Although the way we think of those morals is different.
The way we process our actions against those morals is different.

(I know that this is vague.
I know I speak in circles...... That's what I am good at.)

Even though I know all of these differences and relativities. I still think that I am , somehow, better than everybody else alive. What went wrong? In my childhood, what was askew? Is this because I am the youngest?
Is this because I was trained to OVERappreciate even the very least bit of affection?
Am i just immature?
That would make sense.

I don't really know.

And truly, I don't really care. I like thinking that I am better than everybody, even if I am not. Even if I know I am not. Even if I will never be. Even if it makes me worse for thinking so.
I enjoy the feeling of greatness, of absolute.

I hope I never lose this feeling.
I hope I can fall in love.

A short story for Ya'll

2006-10-23T21:59:00.000-07:00

I was told to write a short story about, who the fuck knows what.

So I sat down and thought. I thought some more..... Then I came to a conclusion (as all good brainstorms should). I am an idiot who cannot ever write a short story.

What was I doing in high school, when I was supposed to be writing short stories; or at least reading them?

Was I staring at the girls tits next to me?

Was I thinking of the future?

Was I reading?

Was I watching the clock?

Most likely I was staring at the girl's tits next to me. When I was supposed to be learning about writing short stories, or at least reading one. Most likely I was thinking of, hopefully sometime seeing those tits without that stupid shirt on. The one that says "Stop staring, start tipping". When is my next class?

So alone I sit, awaiting inspiration. Waiting for a higher being to touch my skull and make me smart. Waiting for somebody fun to burst through my door without invitation. Somebody spontaneous, somebody startling. With an apple martini turned to watermelon(Ran out of apple pucker), I sit here. As I do every night.

At a blank computer screen.

Waiting for the words to float out of thin air, around my skull and to my fingers.

I know your waiting for it. You are waiting for the "that's when it happened" The "Then I saw".

But, there isn't one. Just a sad sorry night without inspiration, lacking any real purpose. And the only conclusion perceived is I am an idiot who cannot ever write a short story.

When i grow up!

2006-10-14T12:08:00.000-07:00

I can't wait
until the day
that i am older
when women will want to be with me for that reason
i will be wise
instead of idealistic
i will be knowledgeable
instead of condescending
i will be an alcoholic
instead of a drunk
i will be exciting
instead of spontaneous
i will be caring
instead of being compassionate
i will be loving
instead of clingy
i will be everything
instead of being hopeful
i will be overweight
instead of chubby
i will have a young heart
instead of immature
i will be a procrastinator
instead of a coward
i will be a father
instead of a son
i will be a friend
instead of a buddy

I want to grow old
to find myself
to be myself
to be you
to see everything for how it really is
and not how my hormones
and thoughts perceive it

That will never happen; i know
but i guess it feels good
to think it will

it gives you hope
instead of thought

How old were you when you grew up?

2006-10-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

Remember when you were a child.....
and all your underwear
had brown streaks running down the backside

all of your underwear.......

When came the day
you told yourself
you werent going to wipe your ass with your underwear anymore?

the day when you grew up?

Pontification at its finest. Read the previous post.

2006-10-05T09:16:00.000-07:00

A little bit more about "Tex"
Tex says, that you cannot understand existence
I say "sure you can, Tex
how could you not, it is so easy"

Tex, looks at me
with that look
the look like he is better
and wiser
the look of a manager
a manager of a Kroger no less

I say "Tex, To understand existence is to understand understanding.
you must first understand that there is no understanding, thereby understanding understanding.
once you can understand that
then understanding existence
is simple
quite simple actually
existence is just a pathway
that your conscious mind takes to understanding
once you have understood that there is no understanding
then you will understand
that existence
is just a path"

Tex, looks at me
with that look
the look like he is better
and wiser
the look of a manager
a manager of a Kroger no less

He points his finger to the sky
and says, in his southern accent,
"thats all in need to understand"

As i finish my beer
slamming it down to the bar
wiping my lips
with forearm
"You just say that because you don't understand me"

Kroger OGRE!

2006-10-05T08:44:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about my night.
It started, with plans and free pool
pool wasn't free
but wings were twenty five cents
so we left
only to end up in a cheaper, but less hip
pool hall
with a fat waitress
so we left
only to end up in a cheaper, but less hip
bikini bar.
where I drank my guts off
where the little old Asian lady
fell in love
with my Asian friend
and bought us all shots
and I bought the waitress a shot
because she had a three year old daughter

we played pool with "Tex"
who apparently went to Texas A&M
"Go Longhorns!"
college boy, turned thirty six
wore a turtle neck
under his collared shirt

He manages a Kroger

His mother died,
I know, because I made a "your mom" joke
and he responded exactly like you wouldn't want him to
the response that every "your mom" joke maker fears
He manages a Kroger

The last call cut off my
"vampires will never hurt you"

On the drive home
White castle and a police officer
So we took the long way

Avoiding a speed bump is never a good idea
as I hit a rock
and popped my tire
we parked, grabbed a beer
slapped on the spare

In our drunken gait
Ray and I learned the rock a lesson
by flipping it over
not once, but three times flipped
and spitting on it

This morning ended up like every other
hungover and ashamed
but,
I don't manage a Kroger.

"Go Longhorns!"

Dust bunnies drank all my scotch.

2006-09-29T16:54:00.000-07:00

I haven't smiled in three god damn days
and my hand is sore
from spilling my guts
luckily the paper
spreads its wings, opens spine
to catch my entrails
via pen
via type

I fall asleep without warning
and breathe alone, at random
each step is a heartbeat
waiting to trip, ready to fall
face down as an infant without reaction
every line break
and every period is just
a blink of my eye
waiting to pop from my skull
and roll onto the floor

under the bed
where i hide my whiskey
where the dust bunnies protect my wine
my vice
my daily nightcap

somebody tell them to stop
throwing parties
till all hours of the morning
with their electronic
hiphoporchestropop

now, i have no problem with dust bunnies
living under my bed
and i sure wont kick them out
but, drunk dust bunnies
I hate!

I haven't smiled in three days
as i walk like a zombie
my head still rattles
from last night
so, again, i spill my guts.

Excerpt

2006-09-27T10:32:00.000-07:00

"Your mind starts things on fire, just to blow them out.
Your mind takes things apart just to put them back together.
Your mind lost two screws and ended up with three extra washers."

A. Reynolds

The clarity of sound.

2006-09-21T17:17:00.000-07:00

I was thinking.....
As I was eating a burrito, all of the filling spilling out of the sides. Yes, I had cut it and was using a fork.
But, who determines how sharp a fork can be?
Who?
Somebody has to.
Somebody has to sit in a little cubicle somewhere far away from here and determine exactly how sharp your forks should be. Just enough to spear your food, but not sharp enough to be dangerous to the touch.
Huh.......

Then there is everything else in the whole world. There are standards and guidelines for everything....... Just imagine ----------
How wide roads are.
How thick walls are.
How thin cans are.
How tight lids snap.
How strong cardboard is.
How heavy cups are.
How long tires last.
The ratio of carbon to iron in your toaster.
The clarity of sound emanating from your television.
The brightness of said television.

Everything has measurements and figures that we know nothing about.
Everything has been thought out and engineered exactly to meet our needs.
That is......
Except for the sharpness of my fork!

Beer and sleeping pills.

2006-09-16T18:10:00.000-07:00

Right now I am watching the shining
I am listening to play crack the sky
I am typing on my computer
I am drinking a beer
I am sitting down
I am relaxing
I am getting drunk
I am settling down
I am so fucking good at multitasking.

Somebody please help me
Jack Nicholson is scaring me
My leg is falling asleep.

I know that you want me to keep you alive
with the "existence" and everything
I know that you want me to tell you
right from wrong
moral standpoints
and immoral discretion

truth is
sometimes
we, even the most intelligent of us
even the most inventive of us
all of us knowing
all of us thinking
we sometimes
get a little down on ourselves
no matter what
no matter the situation

I thought the other day
I was taking sleeping pills and beer
that since I was doing it anyway
slowly
why not just do it all at once
why not just finish the bottle
why not just finish the case

If all I ever do
is slowly kill myself
if all I ever do is start
but never finish the job
then what's the point
I should just do one or the other
I should just eat healthy
and ride my bike
and eat granola
because otherwise
all I am really doing is killing myself
slowly
but, killing myself.

Am I a pussy?
should I just do it?
Or is that just what life is?
killing yourself slowly?
everyday inching towards your own demise?

A dream within a dream.

2006-09-12T07:41:00.000-07:00

I had a dream
i fell asleep with my computer
and in my dream i had written something on my computer
i had no idea what was written, as i was dreaming
but i do remember that it was about a page and a half long
it looked like a lengthy poem
not nearly using as many
spaces
and stops
as
my
nor mal
poems
But, what i really loved was this......
i was dreaming that i was dreaming
and in my dream within a dream i had remembered to try and save my work
i told myself to sleep just a little bit longer
and press
save as...
...thats all you have to do before you wake up
press
save as...
so i did, it felt great
i felt that i had made a connection between
my conscious and subconscious
using my computer
I remembered thinking that
this is going to be great when i wake up
i will have something saved on my computer
that i wrote while in a dream
after i pressed
save as...
I was woken up by a moving company
hired to
deliver a new bed
into my room
angry i was still asleep
and said they had been knocking
luckily my mother had shown up
and let them in
i paid no mind.
all i wanted to see was my computer
so i opened it up
and turned it on
and opened the file
guess what it said.
The meaning of life?
the reason for dreaming?
Life after death?
A 13th dimension?
Spirits and souls?
Was it a poem about my dead dog?
Was it a connection from outer space?
did it predict the future?
Maybe
But the file didn't save correctly
and all i got was this
-----------------------
-
<<<<<___________----------__________
-------------,.,<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
--------
The whole page and a half
nothing but
__________<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
................................................>>>>>>>>,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,---------
and__________---------__________--------__________-------
or+++++++++++++++++===============>>>>>>>>>>>,,,
So, did i write those symbols in my dream?
I don't really know
good question.
this was not an experience i had
it was a dream i had
it was a dream within a dream
So there was no moving company
there was no computer
there was no
save as...
no words
no symbols.
nothing.
so i woke up,
walked upstairs
opened my computer
and turned it on.
there it was....
the meaning of life.
Really, no joke.
Wanna know what it is?
___________________-------------------------------------------------------_______
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<__________________-------
____-----___--__-_--__---__>-.>->->>,,-..,_++_+__<<<<>>_+_:":":
+_+_+_+_+)_(_)(_*^%#@#&^^*&^%$)*(_
)_+_+_)+_+_)+<<><><<<<<<<<<<<
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>,<<<<,,,,,,,,,,.........;;;;;;;;;'
--------============_____________------............_______--
It lasts for a page and a half, so i just paraphrased.

I found it! (i know its dumb, but i had fun)

2006-09-11T15:05:00.001-07:00

I have got it!

the meaning of life

i was so excited when i found it
it was hidden under a rock
under a castle under the earth
in a box
in a paper towel
in a real towel
covered with soot
covered with dirt
covered with blood
and sweat
drenched in tears
and cum
and rain

it smelled like the garbage disposal would
if it didn't work

with eggs and tomatoes
and cauliflower and cheese

It looked like Jesus resurrected
it looked like God's penis dipped in chocolate

and i almost took a bite
i almost thought about taking a bite
it went through my head
at the very least
I took a step back
and i said to myself
"how do i know what god's penis looks like?"

So I put it back
under a rock
under a castle under the earth
I put it in a box
and wrapped it in a towel
then in a real towel
i covered it with soot
and then some dirt
i bled all over it

It was hot
so i cried
then i came all over it (it did look like god's penis)

It started to rain.....
so i made breakfast

and then i made dinner

I had dessert.

i went home
to tell everybody about my discovery
and nobody was there to greet me
nobody even recognized me

i was ignored
i was followed
i was covered in soot
and blood
and cum
i was wrapped in a paper towel
then in a real towel

and buried somewhere
in the earth
in a castle underneath another castle
and i stank.

like cauliflower and cheese
and eggs and tomatoes
but i did
i really did
at anything i did

i looked like gods penis
dipped in chocolate........

Oh i am cumming!

2006-09-09T13:54:00.000-07:00

Here i am
Allister Reynolds

I have just finished.

and this is my life
yes
i know
yes i am depressed
of course i am depressed
wouldn't you be
put yourself in my shoes
please do..

please.....
because somebody needs to
if not me than whom?

I have just finished a book.

you know how i hate to finish things
i absolutely hate it
every second of it
god dammit
get it through your skull

i have never meant anything any more than this:
i hate finishing.

I have just finished four beers.

the first time you came...
you felt ashamed and dislocated
the first time you had sex
you felt ashamed and dislocated
the first time you watched television
the first time you fell over
the first time you spoke to a woman
the first time that you wrote anything
or drew anything

I have just finished three sleeping pills.

I have a resentment for completion
I don't know if it is a basic human thought or not
i don't know if i am alone
or not

the book is not about where it leaves you
but where it takes you,
how you travel

naked and alone
it leaves you
ashamed and dislocated.

A poem to end all poems

2006-09-08T14:16:00.000-07:00

There is no denying our own existential reality
how we have every right to question
anything
and everything that we have ever known
or will ever know

it is so easy to dismiss any belief
with this simple understanding

in the understanding:
that there is no understanding

the understanding:
that there is no possible way to understand

that having been said
ok
alright

but you need to establish a reality
everybody needs a reality, a plane, a dimension in which you live
whether you chose to understand or not
you still need a place to do all this misunderstanding

and the place that you do this is here
and you are here
and there is no denying that you are here

because i can see you
because i can touch you
and hold you
if i wanted to....
but you stink
and you sweat a lot
so why in the fucking hell would i want to touch you?
your gay.

so there you go

you have established a reality
you have established a plane on which you will exist
that plane has rules
that plane has morals
that plane has basic principals

you may not fly

you may not move things with your mind

you may not and will not ever, ever bend the rules

you may not ever leave this plain

you cannot

do you believe me yet
do you believe in reality yet

all that this is about;
is me

this is not about you
this is not about your needing for a reality
this is about my needing for a reality
this is about my need for truth
and my search for divinity

you don't really smell
but i still don't want to touch you
you aren't gay (I hope not(not like it matters))
and neither am i

this is about me explaining existence to myself
because i have given up
i have given up believing in not believing
i have given up in understanding in never understanding.

i believe in a reality

at least we have established that.

Existence, in general

You carry the coins

No more

*cough* sputter and shake, goes the way of your life

Quote me

Hitler, (By the way, I had deja vu while editing this)

Nuts, now that's nuts!

Life completely and utterly blows.

Subatomic

Schizophrenia

Sacrafice and thoughts for thinkers.

The bar scene.

Conversations with myself.

Hello world; here's a shitty picture.

The meaning of life.... X/O

The loom of mind.

The clammer quantum physics mixed with a hint of Allister.

Whats your frequency?

Hangovers in a world without inspiration, love, care, responsibility. And really, nobody learns anything.

Allister Reynoldsism

Narcissism

?Thoughts?

4......3.....2....1...Creation

Political reconstructionism

That brings about a question.....

A secret.

Narcissism

A short story for Ya'll

When i grow up!

How old were you when you grew up?

Pontification at its finest. Read the previous post.

Kroger OGRE!

Dust bunnies drank all my scotch.

Excerpt

The clarity of sound.

Beer and sleeping pills.

A dream within a dream.

I found it! (i know its dumb, but i had fun)

Oh i am cumming!

A poem to end all poems

cough sputter and shake, goes the way of your life